From the Pulpit to the Wilderness: A Journey of Finding Myself Again

Being the firstborn of a pastor, I grew up surrounded by faith, love, and an ever-present sense of responsibility. From a young age, I was raised with expectations not just of being a good daughter, but also of embodying the values and behaviors others expected of me as a leader in the church. While that foundation shaped me in many ways, it also led me down a path where I struggled to find my own identity, constantly trying to please others, especially my parents. I never got the chance to truly discover who I was outside of those expectations.

The Wilderness Journey

It wasn’t until I was taken out of the church and removed from that environment that I began my real journey. For 8-10 years, I walked away. It wasn’t an easy decision, and the time was filled with isolation and doubt. During those years, I didn't have the support or care that I had been used to in church. It was a lonely place to be, but it was exactly what I needed to find myself.

People often talk about the joy of discovering Christ or the fulfillment of returning to the church, but very few speak about what happens in between. Those years in the wilderness were the most challenging, but they were also the most transformative. It was a time of raw honesty, where I was forced to confront myself without the safety net of church life. There were no comforting words or expectations from anyone, just me and God. I had to learn to trust God to trust myself, and to finally make peace with who I am.

The Struggle of Expectations

While I was in church, I thought the way to go was to embody my parents and their behaviors, believing that this was what I was supposed to do. I lived with the idea that if I could act, spoke and behaved the way they did, I’d be walking the right path. But now, looking back, I realise I already carry some of their grace, giftings and vision in me. The truth is, I didn’t have to act the way they did—I just needed to carry myself the way that God wanted me to because he supplies and makes it better. And that conclusion? It has been the most comfortable and freeing thing I’ve ever done.

Rediscovering My Faith and Myself

When I came back to church, it wasn’t with the same old mindset. I wasn’t worried about being who others wanted me to be or who they thought I was. I was proud of who I had become. I returned not out of obligation or to meet others’ expectations but because I had found a deeper connection with God in my own way. I learnt that I didn’t need to be anyone else; I just needed to be true to who I was, embracing both my faith and my individuality.

One thing that never changed, though, was my heart for God.

If anything, it grew stronger during my time away. That cry in my heart never disappeared; it only amplified. I realised that in the wilderness, God was still with me, refining me and preparing me for what was ahead. And now, I look forward to the future with excitement and anticipation because I know that His plans for me are bigger than anything I could have imagined.

The Power of the Wilderness

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this journey, it’s that the wilderness is not a place of abandonment but of preparation. It’s where we are refined, where we shed the parts of ourselves that no longer serve us, and where we build a deeper relationship with God. Yes, it’s painful and uncomfortable, but it’s in the wilderness that we discover who we truly are. It is there that we can hear God more clearly, not through the voices of others but through the quiet moments of introspection.

Not everyone talks about the wilderness, but for me, it’s been the most crucial part of my spiritual growth. I’m not the same person I was when I left the church, but that doesn’t mean I’m any less of who God intended me to be. I’ve learnt that God is with us in both the calm and the storms, in the church and in the wilderness. Sometimes, the hardest paths lead to the most beautiful discoveries. And I cannot wait to see what is ahead.